Joe Must Go!

Rumor has it that the holdup between the UFC and HBO has to do with the commentators. Some people think that the cable network is willing to make a deal to broadcast MMA cards, but only if it can replace the current tandem of announcers: Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan. Whether this rumor is true or not, I can't tell you. But I can tell you this: Joe Rogan sucks. And if it turns out that HBO isn't trying to get rid of him, then I will.

Let's begin by giving the devil his due and describing what Joe Rogan brings to the table as a color commentator. He is adequately knowledgeable about mixed martial arts. He can identify a triangle choke, an arm-bar, and a guillotine. He can tell a roundhouse kick from a side kick, and he can correctly identify a punch as a jab, an overhand right, or a spinning back fist. In addition, he brings a certain celebrity to the broadcast. He has had success in Hollywood. He was a part of the cast on the sitcom News Radio and, more importantly, he has been the host of the extremely successful series Fear Factor.

But I want a color commentator who is more than adequately knowledgeable. I can identify a triangle choke, a back fist and a jab. I don't need anyone else to do that for me. For those who do, that's what Mike Goldberg is doing. He's the MMA equivalent of the play-by-play guy in an NFL broadcast. Goldberg is like Pat Summerall: he describes what's happening, and he does a fine job. But the UFC needs to partner him with a John Madden: someone who can explain what's happening. Later on in this article, I'll suggest some people who could fill this role. For now, suffice it to say that Joe Rogan doesn't do it; he doesn't explain the action, he merely describes it -- and only adequately.

Nor is his celebrity status enough. UFC commissioner Dana White said that he has spent years building the UFC brand, and he doesn't want HBO to screw it up. Therefore, he doesn't want to relinquish creative control over the broadcast to HBO. He's right: he has built the brand, and HBO could screw it up, and therefore he shouldn't relinquish control to them. However, that doesn't mean he shouldn't use his control to make improvements. It may be that, several years ago, when the UFC was relatively unknown, people bought the pay-per-view packages because they knew Joe Rogan from Fear Factor and they heard he was announcing. I find it hard to believe that anyone would have decided to pay the $50 fee for pay-per-view to listen to Joe Rogan, but I'll concede it might have happened. If so, it doesn't happen anymore. The UFC is no longer unknown -- it's now more popular than boxing. Current fans watch the next pay-per-view because they enjoyed the last one. Newcomers tune in because they want to check out mixed martial arts -- not because they want to watch a C-list celebrity like Joe Rogan. Dana White wants to build the brand? Joe Rogan has grown the brand as much as he's ever going to grow it. It would be like if Monday Night Football had paired Summerall with ... I don't know ... Nicole Ritchie. If it had, the NFL wouldn't be the nation's most popular sport today. And people wouldn't be playing Ritchie the way they play Madden. (By the way, have you noticed that there is no UFC video game comparable in popularity to the above-mentioned football video game? Coincidence? I think not.)

So much for the positives that Joe Rogan supposedly brings to the table. What about the negatives? I'm glad you asked.

First of all, he's arrogant and mean-spirited. I used to watch Fear Factor quite a bit, and in doing so I got to know Joe Rogan better than I wanted. I can't count the number of insulting, cutting remarks he made about contestants. I can tell you, though, that he never directed those remarks at good-looking female contestants. Apparently, he thought the viewing audience was too stupid to be bothered by his blatant double-standards.

Second, he's a coward. Numerous times on Fear Factor, a contestant would challenge Rogan to do one of the stunts. He never once had the balls to do it. And this is the guy we have announcing no-holds-barred fights? It's a disgrace.

Third, he killed the greatest show ever to grace our nation's airways. I speak, of course, of The Man Show. The original Man Show, hosted by Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, was comedic genius. Who can forget the Man Show Boy, or the Wheel of Destiny, or the advice segments from Karl Malone, or the Juggies, or the beer-chugging, audience-wide toast of “Ziggy Sockey, Ziggy Sockey, Hoy, Hoy, Hoy”? But then, after four successful seasons, Carolla and Kimmel left for other projects, and were replaced by Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan. While Stanhope wasn't Carolla or Kimmel, he was occasionally funny. Joe Rogan was never funny. Never. Ever. As a result, the show went downhill and was canceled after one season with the new hosts.

Now, you might say, “Okay, Joe Rogan isn't a comedian. What does that have to do with him announcing the UFC?” Nothing, except -- he ruined The Man Show! The Man Show! That kind of thing can't be forgiven. He needs to pay a price, and if that price is that he gets run out of the entertainment industry, well, that's a price I'm prepared to have him pay. Because he might ruin the UFC next.

And it's not like there aren't men available who could replace Joe Rogan and do a better job. Adam Carolla would be funny and smart, and as a former pro boxer, he knows a little about fighting. Or what about Sam Sheridan? The Fighter's Heart author has actually fought in MMA, as well as training with some of the best martial artists in the world. In addition, he has thought deeply and critically about fight sports. I think he would bring an interesting perspective. Or, we could go the classic sports television route and bring in a current or retired UFC competitor to provide color. Two names that jump to my mind are Matt Serra and Tito Ortiz. I watched both of those guys on different seasons of The Ultimate Fighter, and each struck me as bright, knowledgeable, and articulate. In addition, each comes with a fan base from his success as a UFC fighter. I bet either of those guys could add value to a broadcast with inside information about training, techniques, strategy, etc. It would be, I bet, like listening to a boxing match where the color is provided by Teddy Atlas. I love watching Friday Night Fights because Atlas tells me stuff I don't already know. Joe Rogan never does that.

So why is he still in the booth?